Long-form, so there’s never any doubt amongst offensive, megalomaniac nutjobs…
Oh the places you’ll go in a year or so…
The Tax Man made me check my receipts. Aggressive itinerary as of late:
1.10 New York, NY
1.10 Washington D.C.
1.10 Williamsburg, VA
2.10 New Orleans, LA
2.10 San Francisco, CA
2.10 Big Sur, CA
2.10 Houston, TX
3.10 San Diego, CA
4.10 Las Vegas, NV
4.10 COACHELLA, CA
5.10 SUMMIT DC
6.10 San Diego, CA
7.10 Charlottesville, VA
9.10 Las Vegas, NV
9.10 San Diego, CA
9.10 San Francisco, CA
9.10 Madison, WI
10.10 Chicago, IL
11.10 Washington D.C.
11.10 New York, NY
——————————————————
1.11 ROSE BOWL, CA
1.11 Solvang, CA
2.11 Zurich, Switzerland
2.11 BARCELONA, Spain
2.11 Granada, Spain
3.11 San Francisco, CA
3.11 Santa Barbara, CA
3.11 Orlando, FL
In jest, I applied to be Charlie Sheen’s summer intern. They have narrowed it down to 50 out of 74,000 applicants. Seriously.
Here is my video submission for round three of the interview process. If I’m lucky, this summer I will decide between the “safe route” working with Israel and the “winning route” with Mr. F-18 himself.
Pilot
INT. KITCHEN STUDIO SET - DAY
Steel oven and grill-set sit center stage, accompanied by a humble breakfast nook straight out of an IKEA catalog. Adjacent…a stripper pole. The in-studio audience eagerly awaits. Lights up. Applause.
HENRY WINKLER (O.S.)
It’s Burstein with Flavor! Give a warm welcome to your hosts, Josh Burstein and Flaaaavvooorrr Flav!
From stage left, JOSH BURSTEIN, 24, a pudgy, but devastatingly handsome Chinese Jew, struts out to the stage. He blows kisses to the crowd.
FLAVA FLAV, 703, a small gremlin adorning over-sized thrift store regalia, cruises from stage right on a recumbent bicycle. He springs up from his seat and starts pacing around stage, firing balled up t-shirts out of a cannon.
JOSH BURSTEIN
Thanks Henry.
The Fonz gives him a thumbs up.
HENRY WINKLER
Aaaaayyyyy.
JOSH BURSTEIN
Hello and welcome to tonight’s program. Got a great show, Rachel Ray is our guest chef.
FLAVA FLAV
Yeah, Boy! Those man-hands be good for baking and many other things.
JOSH BURSTEIN
So Flav, what do we have on the menu?
FLAVA FLAV
Mmmm mmm! We grilling skrimp, crawfish, and catfish po’ boys. Flava Flav!
JOSH BURSTEIN
Flavor Flav, indeed.
FLAVA FLAV
(Yorkshire accent) We will also serve sauteed polenta as an amuse bouche and duck l’orange in a rich, tomato bouillabaisse.
JOSH BURSTEIN
Sounds quite “bomb.” Fire up the grill, we’ll be right back.
CUT TO BLACK.
